Once You Say Goodbye
by addisongrace22
Summary: Nine years and a lifetime full of secrets, what could possibly go wrong? AU
1. And So It Begins

**Erin**

"Mama!" I hear, rousing me from my deep sleep as I feel my youngest Lily jumping up into my bed. I groan internally before forcing my eyes open to face the day, the other side of my bed still foreignly empty.

I'm exhausted, I can't remember a time where I wasn't. But I'm a cop who works crazy hours and a mom who has three kids, one of whom doesn't love to sleep in, so it comes with the territory.

"Hey Lily bug, what time is it?" I say, my voice still heavy with sleep. She shrugs her shoulders at me. Of course she doesn't know, she's two and a half. But it doesn't matter what time it is, we're aren't getting back to bed anyway. It could be 8 AM or 3 AM, but she's up, which means I'm up.

It also means that the rest of the house will be up soon and I better get myself ready while I still can. But it is still 5:45 in the morning and I would still much rather be asleep, in a happy oblivion where no one needs to be fed and no criminals need to be chased down and arrested.

"I'm hungry Mama," She whines. Lily, my sweet baby girl, I love her, but she is always up at the absolute crack of dawn and it drives me completely crazy. My older boys have always been good sleepers, but Lily, she's a different story. Let's just say I was not prepared for that when she was born, neither of us were.

"Alright sweet girl," I say, whipping the covers off and launching her up and onto my hip, pushing her blonde hair back and out of those big blue eyes. "let's get you some breakfast," As we descend down the dark wood stairs, she sings her song that she's been learning at daycare in my ear, something about not biting people. God I hope they didn't learn that song because of her, though I'm sure if she was acting out I would know about it by now.

I quickly toss a waffle in the toaster while she kicks her little feet against the side of island, requesting strawberries with her breakfast. After she eats it, I plop her in front of the TV with Yo Gabba Gabba so I can take fifteen minutes to get myself ready before I have to convince the older kids to wake up.

Over the years as I've had more kids and the numbers have grown, my morning routine has gotten cut way down and I've got it down to a science. Clothes are always chosen the night before, though I've never had very much difficulty picking my clothes out, my job allows me to wear pretty much a variation of the same thing every day, today being a pair of medium wash jeans and a thin red sweater. My previous staple of long necklaces is long gone. After learning that all babies and toddlers want to do is pull at them, they made a quick and hasty departure.

After getting myself dressed, I rush back down stairs to grab Lily and get her ready before I have to tackle the boys.

"Alright baby girl, what are we doing today?" I ask, standing her up on the floor in front of me.

"Fuzzies," She tells me, her word for sweaters.

"You want to match Mama?" I ask, my words met with a series of quick nods. I smile at her before grabbing a red sweater from her drawer and pulling a pair of black leggings over her short little legs. I then brush her thin blonde hair into two teeny tiny pigtails, Lily singing her biting song all the way through.

"Alright Lils, let's go get your brothers up," I tell her, "you ready to roll?" She nods up at me excitedly as I set her down on the floor, not waiting even a moment before running off towards Jack's room. My oldest son is not very fond of me or anyone really in the morning, but he has a soft spot for his baby sister and she can usually get him out of bed in the morning. Or at least put him into a good enough mood for me to swing in right afterwards.

Henry on the other hand, well he's a Mama's boy and he's more than happy to see me early, early in the morning. Not that that means he wants to wake up. He doesn't.

"Hey Sawy, you ready to get up?" I say as I linger in the doorway of his room, flicking the light switch on.

"Already Mama?" He asks as he rolls over towards me, covering his face with the red plaid quilt on his bed.

"It's time to get up buddy," I say as I walk further into his room, pulling his blankets off before pulling the drapes, got to get some natural light up in here,"Get up, get dressed, it is time to get on with the day my dear,"

It doesn't take too long before he's dressed and ready to go, but Jack still isn't up which means I'll have to deal with him on my own and my usually very successful weapon of Lily Jane has failed. I quickly send Sawyer down to get some breakfast, his little sister on his heels.

"Jack," I say as I go in, sitting on the edge of his bed. "It's time to get up,"

"Mom," He whines, rolling away from me.

"I know," I tell him as I turn on his lamp, knowing he feels exactly the same way I did a half hour ago. "But you have to get up,"

"Do I have to?" He asks as he sits up, rocking a full on bed head.

"Jack Thomas Halstead, get your butt out of that bed," I tell him as I urge him out of bed, "Hustle, hustle,"

"Okay, okay I'm going," He says as he finally hops out of bed towards his closet.

"Get dressed and brush your teeth and hair Jet, I'm going to run downstairs and start getting your lunches together, what do you want for breakfast?"

"Do we have waffles left?" He asks. That's good, waffles are easy. He probably won't be able to make that much of a mess.

"Yeah, just hurry down, you don't want to be late for school do you?" I say as I ruffle his hair, something I know he hates.

"I get it, I'm going Mom," He says, a slight annoyance in his voice as he grabs a t-shirt out of his closet.

"Don't you dare waste time mister! I want you downstairs in no more than fifteen minutes," I tell him as I step out of his room, my voice lingering behind me.

"Mom I got it!"

* * *

"Sawyer, Jack let's go!" I yell back into the house as I stand near the front door, trying to coax Lily into putting her shoes on. That seems to be her new thing, she hates wearing shoes, that's not really going to cut it with me. Eventually you have to stop babying her and just shove a pair of shoes on her feet, ignoring the push back and just get on with it.

"Do we all have shoes on?" I ask as I peer down at both my boys feet, grabbing my keys off the hook at the same time.

"Yes ma'am," Jack tells me with a cheery smile and those big blue eyes wide, a near identical copy of his father.

"Alright, backpacks," I say, tossing Jack's over at him and looping Sawyer's over his shoulders. "Let's roll Halsteads," I tell them as I shuffle my two boys out of the front door, Lily still hanging onto my hand the entire time.

Luckily it's still early in October and I don't have to worry about ushering a ten year old and a seven year old out the door, making sure they all have puffy coats and gloves and hats, making sure no one slips on the ice. With a toddler in tow, that whole thing is an operation.

The two of the them race each other to the backseat of my Suburban as I struggle to unlock the doors, allowing the two of them to scramble inside. After Lily was born, I finally gave in and gave up the 300, it just isn't big enough for all three of the kids. I looked for another car for awhile, my only requirement being that I wasn't going to drive a minivan, I would get so much crap from everyone in the unit if I suddenly pulled up in a minivan one day, so we're going to stick with the SUV.

"Alright so here's the deal," I say as I back out of the driveway. "Jack you have hockey practice tonight at 7."

"Can you come watch today?" He asks, interrupting me.

"No buddy I'm sorry, I have to work tonight," I feel a pang of guilt in my chest as I deliver the words to him. I hate that I have to do this so much. But it's just me and there isn't a way around it, so I do the best I can. It just never feels like it's good enough.

"Are you coming to the game this weekend?" He asks.

"Of course," I assure him, shooting him a smile through the rear view mirror, "You know that I never miss a game,"

"You promise?" He asks.

"I promise," I tell him, feeling guilty again. "But tonight, Uncle Will is going to be picking you guys up from school. He's going to take you to hockey practice and he's going to do homework with Sawyer while you practice,"

"What about Lily?" Jack asks. "Is she coming with us?"

"No, I'm going to pick up Lily from daycare when I get off work and then I'm going to come to the rink and pick you guys up,"I explain to them.

"Do I have to go to Jet's hockey practice?" Sawyer whines in the back of the car.

"I went to your soccer practice last week!" Jack shoots back.

"Boys, it's too early for this. Yes Sawyer you do have to go, Mommy is doing the best she can and sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do,"

"Fine," He concedes from the back seat, his arms crossed in front of him. I know he's not happy, but he also knows it's not a good idea to argue with me, especially not in the mornings before my coffee has kicked in. With a quick sigh, I turn up the radio and let the music fill the car for the rest of the ride to school.

* * *

"Bye boys!" I call after my kids as they rush off towards the building. Luckily we're still in the phase where the boys don't hate school yet and they're fairly excited to see their friends and their teachers everyday. Jack does love to sleep and tends to avoid waking up, but once he's running he almost never puts up a fight.

"Erin!" I hear from the other side of the parking lot. I mentally groan and take a deep breath as I recognize that voice. Desiree Penton. She has two kids, a daughter named Cecilia in Jack's class and a son named James in Sawyer's and she's the room mom for both of them. I absolutely hate the fact that I can almost never volunteer in their classes, Voight tries to let me go as often as we can, but more often than not we're thrown headfirst into a case and I can't get away. She is just always the one to remind me of it and one of the people that can always make me doubt myself as a mother. She's too perfect, I haven't ever been able to find anything wrong with her. Though I know my reasoning is completely absurd, I just cannot stand her.

"Hey Des," I say, putting on a biggest smile that my tired self can muster.

"So I was wondering if you would be wanting to volunteer for the Halloween parties in your boys' classes this year?" She asks, a slight Southern drawl present in her voice.

"You know that I would love to," I start.

"But?" She interrupts.

"I'm a cop and I'm a single mom, my schedule is insane. But I will try and see if I can get the day off," I respond. As as I mention my being a cop, I notice her eyes flit down to the gun on my hip. That always happens, always.

"Alright, just let me know. Shoot me an email," She says with a grin, her sparkly white teeth almost glaring in the sunlight.

"Will do," I say hopefully, "I will take a look at my schedule and if I can't come I will definitely send my boys in with some kind of treat for the party,"

"Thanks Erin," She says with a grin.

"No problem," I tell her as I climb back into my car. "Alright sweet girl," I say as I look back at Lily, "let's get you to daycare,"

* * *

Kid free. Well at least for the next like nine hours. But still, kid free. Of course that means swapping my children out for the worst criminals in Chicago, but at least they let me go to the bathroom by myself.

As I pull up to the District, I notice Hank standing to the right of the entrance, arguing with a young blonde woman. That's odd. He looks up at me before saying something to her, that leading to her quickly running away. I wonder who that could be. I don't recognize her, maybe she's a CI, though she doesn't look like our usual CIs and I don't recognize her face from the data base.

"Hey," I say as I walk over to him after parking my car, "who was that?"

"Just an old friend, don't worry about it Erin," He tells me. Okay that's weird. Voight usually doesn't hide things from me, not anymore at least. I hope he's not involved in something again. But I do know if I ask him about it further, it's only going to cause him to lock down tighter. I'll just have to wait for him to want to tell me.

"Alright," I say, not believing him at all.

"Go clock in, I'll be up in a minute, I have to make a call," He tells me as he places a hand on my back.

"Okay," I tell him as I give him a smile. Still uneasy about the whole situation, but putting it on the back burner. While I'm here I have a job to do, so I'm going to do it.

"Good morning Erin," Platt calls behind me as I buzz in.

"Hey Sarge," I call behind me as I ascend up the steps to the bullpen.

"Yo Erin," Ruzek asks as I walk over to my desk, tossing my bag over the back of my chair.

"What's up Ruz?" I ask as I get myself settled.

"Can you and the kids come to Liv's birthday party this weekend?" He asks, leaning up against my desk and handing me a cup of coffee.

"Crap yes, sorry I forgot to RSVP, but yes we will be there," I tell him as I thankfully take the mug.

"Thank God, she's been asking if you guys were going to come all week and I keep forgetting to ask, Kim's been on my ass about it," He explains as he retreats back over to his desk, the rest of the team all buried six feet deep in paperwork.

"Hell yeah I have," Kim steps in, "Party is in five days,"

"Well put us all down for yes," I assure him as I pull out a very large stack of paperwork I didn't finish last night. We've been getting cases left and right, leaving us almost no time to catch up and we're all so behind, something Platt has totally been on our backs for. I'm hoping today that we'll have a slow day, no cases, just let myself catch up so I feel like I'm not so behind.

"You going?" I ask my partner Hailey Upton, seated across the aisle at the desk opposite mine, "I know the kids would love to see you,"

"Of course," She tells me with a smile, "Never going to miss a chance for several small children to fawn over me,"

"Ah well, they do love you," I say with a wink, my eyes slowly moving down to the framed photo of Jack, Sawyer, and Lily climbing all over Jay from Lily's first birthday.

"Uh hello! I would say I am favorite honorary aunt," Kim interjects.

"I never said anything about favorite!" Upton claims, throwing her hands up in the air in defense. "But then again, you've got your own kid, let me have this one," I'm about to open my mouth to respond when Voight walks into the bullpen, his voice gruff and booming as usual.

"Halstead, get in my office," he says, not stopping as he walks down the center aisle.

"Yes sir," I say, getting out of my chair quickly and following him into the office, hoping he'll want to elaborate on what I say only a couple of minutes ago.

"So are you ready to tell me what was going on this morning?" I ask, remaining standing in front of his desk as he settles himself behind it.

"That woman, it was Allie," He tells me. Allie? I haven't heard her name in years. I haven't wanted to hear her name.

"Allie as in Jay's ex-girlfriend Allie?" I ask, double checking , though I know what he's going to say. Of course it is, he wouldn't be coming to me about any other Allie.

"Yes," He tells me, those dark eyes stoic.

"What the hell is she doing here?" I ask, my brows wrinkled with confusion. And if she is here, why the hell did she go to Voight? That doesn't make any sense. I didn't even know she knew who he was. I never thought I'd hear her name again, but if I did, I always assumed she'd go through Jay, well now me I guess.

"Well Erin," He says with a deep breath, "she wants to see her son,"

* * *

 **Let me know if you guys want to read more!**

 **xoxo,**

 **Addison**


	2. Green Apples & Hockey Games

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed on first chapter! Your response blew me away and I'm hoping that you all enjoy chapter two, hopefully it will give you guys a whole lot of answers!**

 **Happy reading!**

* * *

 **Erin**

"She wants to what now?" I ask, making sure that I heard him correctly. That's impossible. We haven't heard so much as a peep from Allie in nine years, no phone calls, text messages, letters, not even a freaking email. Why now? Why is she back now?

"She wants to see her son," He tells me again.

"Well I don't know what she's talking about, I don't anything about Allie's son," I say, my defenses flying back up.

"Erin," Hanks says slowly, stretching out the sounds of my name.

"No, he is my son." I tell him, "He has been my son since since the day that Jay walked through the front door with a baby in his arms. He is my son,"

"I know," He tells me, "I told her as much, but I don't think she's going anywhere,"

"What does that mean?" I ask again, taking a seat across from his as I realize that I won't be going anywhere anytime soon. "Is she going to try to take him away from me? She can't do that, he's mine,"

"I don't know Erin, she didn't say. She showed up to the district this morning, she was waiting for you in the lobby and I saw her." He explains to me.

"God, Jack doesn't even know about Allie," I say with a sigh, running my hands through my hair as I try to figure out what to do.

"What?" Hank exclaims, "How you could not tell him?"

"We always meant to tell him, but we could never think of a good time and it just seemed like it would make everything so much harder," I say.

"Erin you can't lie to him," He tells me. "He's going to figure it out eventually and it's better if he finds out from you rather than him figuring it out himself,"

"I know," I tell him. If we're being honest, I'm shocked that he hasn't found out already. I mean Jay and I covered our tracks pretty well, but we've got a smart kid and there were a lot of people that know the truth that could have let the cat out of the bag.

But it's not like we set out to never tell him about Allie, but we just always put it off. But then Sawyer was born and Lily was born a few years after that and we never wanted to make him feel different, especially after everything that's we've been through the past few years. "I know that I have to tell him the truth, this just really isn't how I wanted to do it. She just left him here without a second word and she disappeared, how the hell can you do that to a child?"

"I don't know Erin," He says, his head hanging.

"She doesn't to deserve to see him, she doesn't deserve to know him," I say, "and I'm his mom, so I get to make that call,"

"So what do you want to do?" He asks.

"I want to ignore it, hope that she'll go away and if she doesn't , we'll deal with it when we have to," I tell him, not confident in my answer at all. It's the best I can do for now.

"Are you sure?" He asks, "You can't hide from her forever,"

"I know," I say, my heart rate still elevated at a level way higher than normal, "but it's the only way that I know how to deal with it,"

"Okay, do you need the day off? Figure things out?" He asks.

"There's nothing to figure out, business as usual," I tell him.

"Okay, let me know if I need to tag you out,"

"I'll be fine," I assure him as I get up to leave.

"Erin," He says, his words stopping me in the doorway. "I got your back, whatever you need, I'm here for you-"

"Until the wheels come off," I finish, uttering the same words he's said to me so many times.

"It's going to be okay kid," He assures me.

"I hope you're right," I tell him.

"You good Halstead?" Hailey asks as I retreat back to my desk. "You look like you've seen a ghost," God she has no idea. Ghosts from the past, my least favorite kind.

"I'm good," I assure her, building my walls up again tall and strong, "It's all good,"

* * *

I still remember that afternoon, clear as day. I've played it over and over again in my head, the day that Jay walked through our front door with a baby boy in his arms.

" _Erin?" Jay exclaims as he walks through the front door of the apartment._

" _Hey!" I respond from my place at the kitchen island, my laptop open in front of me._

" _I have to talk to you about something," He says, nerves in his voice as I hear him hang his keys up._

" _What's up?" I ask, closing my screen and walking over to the entrance. That's when I saw the baby, light brown hair and those big blue eyes staring up at me. "Did we agree to babysit for someone that I don't know?"_

" _Not exactly," He says, dumping a diaper bag on the floor and taking a deep breath, his face white as a sheet, "Erin this is my son Jackson,"_

" _I'm sorry, I don't remember being pregnant for nine months and then pushing a tiny human out of my vagina," I say, crossing my arms in front of me, still hoping that it's a joke. But I know it can't be, he wouldn't joke about something like this._

" _He's Allie's son," He tells me. What the hell? I thought he hadn't seen her since high school I guess there was a hook up around two years ago that I was not aware of._

" _What?" I ask, the shock now there and in the forefront of my mind._

 _"We hooked up a couple years ago, it was before we got together," He explains._

 _"_ _I thought you were just meeting up with her for lunch," I say, still trying to process everything in my mind. This is insane._

" _I was," He responds, this new baby still held in his arms. "She brought him with her and she told me. She just said that she couldn't do it anymore and that she needed me to take him,"_

" _And you didn't think to call me first? Maybe just let me know before you bring a baby home? Your baby!?" I demand, feeling totally offended. "We are totally unprepared! You just convinced me to move in with you, we don't know how to take care of a baby!"_

" _I was going to, I swear I was going to. But she left, she left without him. I couldn't just leave him there. Erin he's my son and I understand if you don't want to do this with me, it's my problem and I will deal with-" Of course he couldn't. That's just who he is, I can't be mad at him for that. I can't blame him for that._

" _How old is he?" I ask, interrupting him._

" _What?" He asks._

" _How old is he?" I say again._

" _He's turning one in eight days," He tells me, the confusion written all over his face._

" _Well we better start planning something," I tell him._

" _What?" He exclaims at me. "You're just okay with this?"_

" _Of course I'm not okay with it, but Jay I'm not going to leave you. It's not fair that Allie never told you about him and it's not fair to him or anyone involved that she just left him here with us. But we have to make the best out of it and I cannot fault you for wanting to be there for your son, so I'm not going anywhere Jay,"_

" _You're amazing," He says, pressing a kiss to my forehead, Jackson pressed between us._

" _Can I hold him?" I ask, looking into the eyes of the little boy who I'll be raising._

" _Of course," He says as he transfers the laughing baby into my arms. I give him a quick kiss on the head, pressing my lips into that mop of light brown hair and in that instant, I know that everything is going to be okay. It has to be._

* * *

It's not even that late, but I am exhausted. Today was exhausting. Not just mentally exhausting like I knew it would be, but we caught a case and I am so tired. All I want to do is go home, sit under a blisteringly hot shower for fifteen minutes and roll into bed.

But that won't happen. I have to put children to bed and I'm just hoping they feel like cooperating today. Jack is about ready to fall over, which is just great because he still needs to take a shower before he can to bed. But Sawyer, the one that doesn't need to shower and that I could put to bed while Jack is in the shower, is bouncing off the freakin' walls. But on the flip side of that, luckily and surprisingly, Lily fell asleep in the back of the car on the way back from the rink and I know that if I can just keep her asleep, we should be good. She's still in her clothes from the today, but after the day I've had, I really don't care.

I've tried to push Allie to the back of my head, just focusing on my job and my kids, but it's goddamn near impossible. She's a threat to me. Maybe not a physical threat, I have no doubt that I could take her, but still she's a threat to my family.

As I pull up to the house and I spot a certain blonde at my front door, I feel my heart start beating faster and faster before it drops to the ground. She's here. She's not supposed to be here. But she is, standing at the front door of my house, blonde curls framing her face as she stares down at her phone. Why the hell is she here? How the hell did she find us?

"Who's that Mom?" Jack asks from the backseat as he cranes his head to get a better look at the woman standing in our porch lights, "I don't remember her,"

"It's an old friend of Daddy's," I attempt to explain to him, that being the best explanation I can think of while still trying to hide my panic from him. He can't talk to her, none of them can. I don't have any idea what she'll do or say. I've talked to Allie maybe once at the District for a total of about four minutes, yet she gave me my son. "You guys haven't met her before," Well Jack has, but he doesn't know that and I'm hoping that he still won't after today.

"Why is she here?" Jack asks me.

"I don't know baby," I say,

'What's her name?" Sawyer asks.

"Her name is Allison," I tell them as I pull into the driveway.

"Can we say hi?" Jack asks.

"Not tonight," I explain. "It's late, go in and hop in the shower. Bring your brother in too, I'll take Lils and I'll be right in okay? Here, take my key,"

"Okay Mom," Jack says as he jumps out of the side of the car, grabbing his hockey bag from the trunk before leading his brother in.

"Hi Allison!" He says before bouncing up to the front porch. That's my boy, happy and outgoing, willing to be anyone's friend.

"Hi," She responds softly. I can't see her, but I know she's studying his face, trying to pick out any and all of her features. She won't find any, they aren't there, from the freckles, to the blue eyes, to the tiny cleft below his lip, that boy is all Jay.

"Jet, go upstairs, I'll be there in a minute," I call after him, urging him inside, Lily sleeping on my shoulder and her diaper bag hanging down near my hip. "You and your brother need to get into your pajamas, you have school tomorrow,"

"I got it Mom!" He calls back to me as he reluctantly moves into the house, Sawyer lagging behind him.

"He's amazing, Jackson. I always knew he would be," She says as she gives me a smile. I can tell that it stung, watching him call me Mom, but I don't care.

"Jack, we call him Jack," I tell her, though I'm not really sure why. "He's always been Jack,"

"He doesn't know about me does he?" Allie says once I've shut the door behind Jack and Sawyer. I don't want them hearing any of this. "You didn't tell him anything, he would have recognized me,"

"What are you doing here Allie?" I say, cutting right to the chase, not even bothering to answer her question. "This is my house, these are my kids, you have no right to be here,"

"I want to see him," She tells me.

"No," I say simply, not being able to think of another answer. "You should have thought of that before you dropped him with Jay nine years ago,"

"Erin he's my son, I don't want to take him away from you, but I at least deserve the chance to know him, he deserves to know me," She tells me. That's all it takes to set me off.

"No," I rage, "He is my son. You gave him up the day that you left him with Jay without a second word. I am the one who knows that he won't eat apples unless they're green, even if you take the skin off.I'm the one who knows that his favorite movie is The Jungle Book, that he begs to watch it even though he knows how much his brother hates it. I'm the one who has stayed up with him through sleepless nights. I'm the one who wipes his nose when he's sick, the one who picks him up from school, the one who stands there cheering on the sidelines during every single one of his hockey games. He is not your son, he is my son and you don't deserve anything,"

"I want to talk to Jay," She says, crossing her arms in front of her as she realizes that she isn't going to get very far with me. Of course she wants to talk to Jay.

"Yeah that's not going to happen either," I say with a scoff, the only way I know to keep myself together.

"Why not? What's stopping me?" She asks. "I'm the mother of his child, I'm sure he'd love to hear from me,"

"Well for starters, he's dead," I tell her, putting a sharp emphasis on that last word. He's gone. He's not coming back, I've spent the last two years trying to accept that while attempting to keep it all together for three kids, because I don't get to fall apart. I have to be here to make sure that everyone else stays together, all while attempting to cover a bullet hole with a band aid, holding myself together with tape and glue.

"What?" She says, looking at me with wide eyes.

"He's dead. He died two years ago." I tell her, not really wanting to elaborate. I still hate talking about it, it still hurts. It was one of the worst days of my life, sitting there waiting at Chicago Med, the love of my life on an operating table as I stood there helpless. Connor Rhodes then told me that there was too much damage, that he stroked out during surgery and that he wasn't going to wake up, that his heart was beating, but he wouldn't ever wake up. The harder part by far was having to tell my sweet boys that Daddy wasn't coming home and then having to accept the fact that our daughter would never remember her father.

She would know what he looked like and hear stories from me and her brother, everyone else in the unit, learn his voice from old videos he always insisted on us taking. But she would never knows what it feels like to be hugged by him, she would never get to be walked down the aisle by her father, and he would never get to see her grow up. He wouldn't get to see any of them grow up.

I took his name after he died. I'd had it since before Sawyer was born, legally anyway, but after he died I started using it at work, my last ditch effort to hold onto him, give myself just another little part of him. But it still hurts. It hurts everyday when I get into a car with my partner and it's not him, when one of the boys does something hilarious and all I want to do is tell him about it but he's not there, when I look into the blues eyes that all three of our kids have, Jay's eyes and my heart breaks all over again.

"Erin I'm so sorry," She says. I think she almost wants to reach out and hug me, I notice the flinch. But she doesn't. She's smarter than that. "I had no idea,"

"Why would you? You aren't anything to us anymore, you gave up your chance to have an opinion or to know anything the day that you walked out on my son," I tell her, not caring about her feelings right now, as I hope and pray that Lily doesn't wake up, she doesn't need to hear this anymore than either of my boys need to, "Get out and stay the hell away from my family,"

* * *

 **Please review!**

 **xoxo,**

 **Addie**


	3. Abandonment

**Thank you to everyone that reviewed on the last chapter! Enjoy chapter three!**

* * *

 **Erin**

"Who was that Mom?" Jack asks, perched at the top of the stairs as I walk in, causing me to jump up, Lily luckily and unbelievably staying asleep.

"Jesus Jack," I exclaim. "You scared me,"

"Sorry Mom," He tells me with a sheepish smile, "But who was that? Why was she here?"

"I told you buddy," I say, dropping my purse on the ground as I shift Lily to my other hip. "Just an old friend of Daddy's,"

"Why is she here though? Daddy died, he's been dead for a long time now," As he says those simple words, I feel another punch to the chest. It's always hard to hear them say it aloud, I remember how hard it was for me when Camille died and I never, never wanted my kids to have to feel that pain. But they have and they will, there's nothing I can do to stop it.

"She didn't know," I explain to him, "she wanted to talk to him, but I had to explain it to her,"

"Why did she want to talk to him?" He asks. Oh Jack, my little curious boy. Most days I love it when he asks those questions about everything, it reminds me of his dad, but on some days like this, I wish he would just drop it and move on.

"Don't worry about it Jet, just go jump in the shower okay? Make sure you put all your dirty clothes in the hamper. I'll be in to say goodnight when you're done," I call up to him.

"Mom you don't have to say goodnight every day,"

"I know," I tell him with a smile, "but I still will," He smiles down at me and gives me a quick nod before disappearing into the hallway beyond the stairs. I know that I have to tell him, it's been eating away at me for the last nine years, knowing that we've been lying to him. It's only gotten worse since Jay died, but since Allie showed up this morning, it's been all I can think about. He's my son, I know nothing can change that, legally at least. I legally adopted him two months after he came home with Jay, but that's not what I'm worried about.

What if he freaks out? Decides that he can't trust me, realizes that we've been lying to him his entire life, that his entire life is a lie.

But in another way it's not. In some ways, nothing will change. I'm still his mom. I may not have contributed half of his chromosomes or nearly broke Jay's hand while I was in labor with him like I did with Sawyer and Lily, but in every other way, I'm his mom. I just hope that he'll see it that way.

"Jet!" I call back up the stairs, hoping that he'll still be able to hear me.

"Yeah?" He says as he pops his head back into the hallway.

"You know I love you right?" I say up to him.

"Yeah of course," He says as his face scrunches up, his brow wrinkling up. "I love you too,"

"Just uh, don't ever forget that," I tell him, running my hand down Lily's back, hoping that I can keep her asleep long enough to get her upstairs into her crib.

"What's going on Mom? You're being weird," He comments.

"Nothing, go shower," I tell him, brushing it off. I'll deal with this tomorrow or whenever I can work up the nerve to tell him, but just for a little bit longer I want to keep him in the dark. In the dark, he doesn't know anything and in the dark he doesn't have any reason to be mad at me. In the dark, I'm his only mom.

* * *

"Alright Lindsay," Hailey says, leaning against the counter in the break room, "What the hell's going on?"

"What do you mean?" I ask absentmindedly as I pour myself a cup of coffee.

"You're drinking decaf," She tells me. "I've known you for three years and I've only ever seen you drink decaf when you were pregnant with Lily. Even then you complained about it." She points out.

"What no I'm not," I claim

"Yes you are, and it's even more frightening that you didn't notice it, what the hell is going on?"

"Upton I'm fine," I assure her. For now, I'll let you know again after I talk to my son tonight.

"No you're not, you're distracted, you have been since yesterday morning when you came out of Voight's office. You aren't allowed to be distracted. I have your back, but you also need to have mine. And you have three kids at home, so in our line of work, you cannot be distracted. You do not get to be distracted,"

"I'm not distracted," I tell her. That's a lie. I just thought I was doing a better job to hide it. But she's right, I am drinking decaf. I don't drink decaf. I hate decaf.

"Yes you are. It's okay if something is bothering you, but you have to tell me so that we can work on it and move past it," She tells me, "Erin I'm your partner, lean on me, lean on your team,"

"I can't, not for this," I tell her, let her through the walls I've built up. But slowly. I can't let them all come crashing down at once, not again.

"Erin what is it?" I take a deep breath before slamming the break room door. I can't deal with this on my own, I can't keep it all bottled up. I need a sounding board. That's what Jay was always for, he was always the one who encouraged me to talk. But he's gone and Hailey's my partner. Lean on your partner.

"You know Jack's story, the whole story right? I've told you before,"

"Yeah, maybe a year ago," She tells me as she settles in next to me.

"Well she's back in Chicago," I tell her softly.

"Did she approach you?" She asks, her arms crossing in front of her, her facial expression changing. I recognize that look, it's the very same look she gets while working a case.

"Yeah, she tried to here at the district but Hank stopped her so she tracked me down to my house," I tell her. "She met Jack,"

"But he still doesn't know who she is?" She confirms.

"Yeah," I say with a solemn look on my face, "I just told him she was an old friend of Jay's,"

"Well you're not lying," She says. "He was an old friend of his,"

"That's about the only thing I'm not lying about." I say with a groan.

"Did she say what she wants?" Hailey asks me.

"She told me she wanted to see him, that she deserved to know her son,"

"So she's not going to take him away from you?" She asks.

"I don't think so. Legally, I don't think she can. Even if we were to go to trial, she's got biology on her side but that's about it. She signed her custody away when he was less than a year old, she hasn't had any contact with him since then, he doesn't even know who she is. Unless of course Jack goes nuts when I tell him, that could be an issue if she decides to sue for custody,"

"Erin don't worry about it, he's going to be fine." She assures me.

"You don't know that," I say back.

"I know that he's your son and you are the only mom that he's ever known. He won't go running to Allie," She tells me.

"That's not what I'm worried about though, I'm worried about him shutting down, shutting me out. Especially after Jay, that's the last thing that either of us need," I say.

"Upton, Halstead," Ruzek says as he knocks on the door before pushing it open. "We've caught a case, let's roll,"

"We're not done with this," Upton assures me, taking both of our coffee mugs and dumping them in the sink. "But now we've got a job to do,"

* * *

"Hey Jack, can I talk to you?" I say, lingering in his doorway as he sits as his desk with only his table lamp on, a spread of math worksheets in front of him in his pajamas. I'd just put the other two down, Sawyer being out like a light as soon as he hit his pillow and Lily taking a little more coaxing, though her bedtime routine much easier than it usually is. Jack of course is still up, though I'm hoping he'll be able to go down soon.

"What's going on Mom?" He asks.

"I just, I need to talk to you about something," I say, crossing over the hardwood floors and taking a seat on his bed.

"What is it?" He asks again, looking nervous as he joins me on his bed.

"You remember that lady that was here yesterday night when we came back from hockey?" I ask, placing my hand on his knee.

"Yeah, you said she was Dad's old friend. Her name is Allison," He says as he looks up at me.

"That's right, her name is Allison," I confirm.

"What about her?" He asks.

"I didn't tell you the whole truth about her," I tell him, my heart beating faster and faster as my words become closer and closer to revealing the truth to my oldest son. "You deserve to know the truth Jet, the whole truth,"

"What do you mean?" He asks me again.

"Well you've met her before, a bunch of times. You're just too little to remember," I say. That's one way to put it.

"What?" He asks, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"You know I love you right?" I tell him, "and that I would never do anything to hurt you," I can feel myself stalling, there's no other reason that I would do this. I'm dragging out the unavoidable. I have to face it, I've already dug myself into a hole and I can pull myself about of it. I'm doing this.

"Yeah," He says, dragging out the word uneasily, "Mom what's going on you're freaking me out, what does any of this have anything to do with Allison?"

I take a deep breath before pulling a picture out of my pocket, a photo of Allie and Jack at four months old, standing in front of a Christmas tree with him on his hip, a huge toothless smile on his face, the words _Mommy & Jackson, First Christmas_ scrawled on the back in blue pen.

I found this in Jack's diaper bag the first day that Jay brought him home, if I were smart I would have destroyed it years ago. But it just never felt right, it's a part of my son's history, whether I want to acknowledge it or not, so I kept it tucked away in a shoe box on the top shelf of my closet. I never thought I would pull it out again, but it's time that he knows the truth, the whole truth, it doesn't matter how scary the consequences are anymore.

"Who is that?" He asks, looking confused at the picture as he takes it in his hands.

"That's you and Allison, Allie," I explain to him, tears starting to well behind my hazel eyes as I tell him about the contents of the old photograph, the edges beginning to curl and fray as a result of my nearly a decade of improper storage.

"Why?" He says, looking up at me with those big blue eyes.

"Baby, I adopted you," I say, taking the jump off the ledge. That's it, the cat is out of the bag. There is really no going back, It's do or die.

"What?" He exclaims as he jumps up, panic now filling those eyes as he looks down at me, a second emotion slowly creeping on. Betrayal. Total betrayal.

"Allie is your biological mother," I explain to him slowly, only half processing the words falling out of my mouth as I can't even believe that I'm saying them right now.

"What do you mean?" He says, his voice becoming erratic as he pacing across his room.

"Just let me explain," I plead with him.

"Explain what? That you and Dad lied to me my entire life? Mom I'm ten years old, when did you plan on telling me?" He yells, bringing the volume of the room higher and higher.

"Hey, do not bring your father into this!" I shout at him as I jump up as well.

"Is he even my father?" He questions loudly.

"Yes Jack, he is your biological father," I assure him, the lump in my throat becoming larger and larger with each word.

"Mom did he cheat on you?" He cries.

"Baby no, Dad never cheated on me. It's a long and complicated story and I just need you to listen to me, sit down, take a deep breath, and just listen to me okay?" I say, calming down and placing my hand on his shoulders, lowering him back down to the bed. Screaming isn't the way to handle this, screaming is never the way to handle anything.

"Fine," He says, crossing his arms in front of his chest, the look on his face mirroring the one I've seen on his dad's face so many times over the years. "Talk,"

"I just want to make one thing very clear to you, your father never cheated on me and he is your biological father," I tell him. I need to make sure that he knows this. He was also all for telling Jack the truth, I was the one who was always scared by it. I don't want this situation to tarnish his memory of his father in any way, shape, or form. .

"How does that work?"He demands.

"Well before Dad and I got together, he was dating someone else," Dating however is a very loose term, they were hooking up. But I'm not going to explain that to him, someday maybe but not right now. Now is definitely not the right time.

"Allie?" He chimes in.

"Yes, Allie," I say, taking another deep breath before I continue my explanation, an explanation nearly a decade in the making, "So Allie got pregnant and she had you. But by the time that you were born, Daddy and Allie had broken up and she never told him about you. So he started dating me,"

"Why didn't she tell him?" He asks.

"I don't know baby, that's something that we could never figure out," I tell him. I just want to hold him, hug him close and go back to how things were just a few minutes ago before I dropped the bomb.

"But she told him? After I was born?" He asks, a certain look of hope in his eyes.

"Not exactly," I fill in, trying to figure out how to tell him this while keeping it appropriate and making absolutely sure that it makes sense to him, that he'll be able to process it.

"What does that mean?" He asks, his brow crinkling, wrinkles forming in three lines on his forehead.

"Just listen baby," I urge him. "Right before you turned one, she met your dad for lunch and you were with him. She told him everything and once he told her that he wanted to be involved in your life, so she left,"

"She just left?" He asks. As I watch his eyes change, I feel that shot to the chest that I hoped I would never have to see, the look of abandonment in my kid's eyes. It's something that I saw too often growing, both in the mirror and every time I looked in my baby brother's eyes. I never wanted to have to see that again.

"Yeah, she walked out of the restaurant and left you there with Daddy. That's the day that you came home. Your dad walked in through our front door with you in his arms and he was panicking, completely convinced that I was going to leave him and he was going to have to figure how to do this on his own," I tell him.

"But you didn't?" He says, his temper coming down.

"No, I stayed. I held you in my arms and from that day forward, you were my son," I assure him, "You are still my son Jack,"

"But you didn't give birth to me?" He says, still unsure of the situation.

"No I didn't," I answer him reluctantly. "But that does not mean I am any less your mom, you are any less my son, or Sawyer and Lily are any less your brother and sister, this doesn't change anything,"

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" He says, completely and totally ignoring my statement.

"We always planned to, but it seemed to much easier and once Sawyer was born, we didn't want you to feel any different from your brother, so we didn't say anything," I tell him honestly.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" He asks.

"I'd like to think that I would," I tell him with a weak smile. I watch the expression change on his face as he toys with the idea, though I can't tell what he thinks about it. That boy has always been able to put on that face of stone, locking out the rest of the world. Though he's not mine biologically, I don't think it's too far out that he unfortunately got that from me.

"Why did she leave me?" He asks.

"Well, she didn't think she could do it," I tell him, "she tried to be your mom, she tried really hard. But she did do one selfless thing, she gave her son up because she knew that she wouldn't be able to raise you the way that you deserved to be raised. So she gave you to me and your dad because she thought that we could do better. I know that we have not been the perfect parents and since your dad died, I have let you down more times than I can count and I can promise you that I will make mistakes going forward, as hard as I try to avoid them."

"I know Mom," He says, looking me straight on with those big blue eyes. "I know, but why is she here? What does she want?"

"I don't know buddy," I tell him, "I really don't know,"

"I'm really tired," He says, thoroughly ending the conversation. "Can I go to bed?"

"Of course, did you brush your teeth?" I ask, realizing that we aren't getting anywhere else tonight. The best thing I can do is let him get some sleep and give him some space. There's always tomorrow.

"Yeah," He tells me halfheartedly as he turns off the lamp on his desk before climbing beneath his covers.

"Okay," I say, awkwardly moving towards the door with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I knew that it wasn't going to be fun, but I didn't realize that it was going to feel like this. It doesn't seem like he's mad at me, but rather my worst fear has been realized, my son doesn't trust me anymore."Jet, I love you,"

"I love you too Mom," he says weakly, "I'll see you in the morning okay?"

* * *

 **If you guys liked it, please leave me a review and let me know what you think!**

 **xoxo,**

 **Addie**


	4. Quiet

**Hope you guys enjoy chapter four!**

 **As always, I apologize for the couple of spelling and grammar errors that I'm sure I've missed as I do quick edits in the middle of the night.**

 **Happy reading!**

* * *

 **Erin**

I didn't sleep last night. I tried to, none of my kids ran into my room with a nightmare, it was just quiet. I laid there, staring at the ceiling and replaying the conversation over and over again in my head, thinking of anything else that I could have said to make it better, that look on Jack's face plastered to the back of my eyelids. I just can't shake it. It won't go away. So I didn't sleep, I didn't close my eyes, I just laid there. I'm know I'm going to be tired today, I know that I'm going to be distracted, that's unavoidable. Hank is going to notice and Hailey is going to notice, I know they will. I really should just call in, take a personal day. But I can't do that, I can't back down, I just have to face it and move on. Even if I really, really don't want to.

My eyes have been glancing over to the alarm clock every so often, waiting for those numbers to tick closer and closer to 6:00, that's when I'll have to get out of bed and take on my day. That's when I have to talk to Jack, or not talk to him, depending on what's going on in that head of his. Neither of the options are good. It doesn't matter, I still have to get up and get on with my day. I'm a mom and that's what moms do.

I get myself ready first, throwing on a thin white t-shirt and a pair of dark was jeans, pulling my trusty leather jacket over it all. I'm not really in the mood to do my hair, so I just toss it up into a bun and apply the minimum make up, a soft and natural look.

Lily is already standing up in her crib waiting for me as I come into her room, a huge smile on her face as she giggles. I slip her into a pair of jeans and an off white sweater dotted with black polka dots, taking more than enough time and stalling as I help her brush her teeth and pulling her loose blonde curls into a tight ponytail at the back of her head.

Sawyer's next and as usual, he doesn't want to get up but for the first time I'm grateful for that, it means that I have more time to kill before I have to face Jack. That's dumb he's ten, he's my ten year old, but still I am scared out of my mind at what he's going to say to me. But after he's dressed and I've watched him brush his teeth and comb his hair, I have to get Jack up. There's no more avoiding it.

I stand outside his door, taking a deep breath before going in to wake Jack up. As I push open his door, I'm surprised to see him already awake, dressed in a pair of jeans and a well worn Blackhawks sweatshirt that Will bought him last year at a game, his hair still messy atop his head.

"Hey," I say simply as he avoids my gaze, careful not to make eye contact.

"Hi Mom," He tells me, grabbing his fully packed backpack from the back of his chair.

"Did you brush your teeth?" I ask, leaning against the doorframe.

"Not yet, I'm heading right over there," He says, pushing past me in the doorframe, his backpack catching on my t-shirt.

"Okay, come meet me in the kitchen for breakfast when you're done okay?"

"I will," He says flatly. I sigh, you can't help but feel deflated after that. He is so much like his father, it scares me sometimes. But this is exactly what Jay used to do when we fought, walk on eggshells and exchange only the necessary dialogue. My usually very happy and bubbly boy is nowhere to be found. But I suck it up, push is down, I've got two other kids to take care of and I still have to get them all to school on time.

* * *

"Bye Sawyer," I say after him as he hops of of the right side of my car, running towards the big brick building with a smile on his face, Jack still sitting in the backseat.

"Jack c'mon," I urge him, knowing that there are horns honking behind me and the crossing guard is probably yelling at me to get going.

"I want to see her, I want to meet her," He tells me.

"What?" I respond, whipping my head around to look them at him.

"Allie, I want to know her. I'm not going to get out of this car until you say yes," He tells me. Lily of course chooses this exact moment to start screaming her little head off.

"JJ we'll talk about this later," I say, losing my patience as the horns grow louder and more frequent.

"You promise?" He asks, trying to raise his voice above Lily's wails.

"Yes I promise now go to school, I'll pick you up today and we will talk," I promise him. I don't think I even realize the words that are flowing out of my mouth, but we have to take things one step at a time and right now that means getting my kid out of my car and into school.

"Okay," He concedes as he hops out the left side door.

"I love you Jet," I tell him just as the door slams behind me. He didn't hear me. Great. And he wants to see Allie. He wants to meet her. His mother, his other mom, the woman that I've tried to shield him from his entire life. I don't know what to do. He wants to know her and that's his right, but I just want to hold him here. God what would Jay do, I wasn't supposed to have to make these calls by myself. We were supposed to be a team, we were supposed to do this together, raising our three kids the best way that we knew how. But know it's just me, it all falls on me now. I make the decisions, I accept the consequences and I take all the heat. It is all me.

* * *

"Halstead you remember Ethan Cassidy?" Kim asks, the rest of the unit sitting around the bullpen doing some research into the case we caught last night. All our leads went cold, so we're going back over everything, chasing down every single lead until the lights go out. That is what's been keeping me busy, keeping my mind off of all this Jack and Allie crap.

"He's got two girls right? Rory's in Sawyer's class and he has another little girl in Olivia's class right?" I say. I do remember him. He and Sawyer were in the same first grade class last year and we both volunteered at the holiday party and the end of the year party. He's nice and he's cute, but he didn't seem that exciting.

"Uh huh," She says. "He's also divorced and he asked about you,"

"Seriously?" I say looking up at him. "You're doing this right now?"

"It's been over two years Erin, you have to move on at some point," Kevin adds in. That stings, I know it's not meant to and they're only trying to help. They want me to be happy, for the past two years I haven't gone on a date or even talked about seeing anyone. All of my energy was focused into keeping myself together and making sure that I could be a mom, keeping my kids in one piece and just getting through the day. I was a widow. I am a widow. But I have to take the leap at some point.

"What did he say?" I ask.

"I don't know, he thinks you're hot though," She tells me nonchalantly. I scoff at the notion.

"Hey he's not wrong," Adam chimes in, leading to an eyeroll from Hailey that's almost laughable.

"Watch it Ruz," I threaten as I glare towards him.

"I'm just saying, you could probably get any guy in the city," He says, throwing his hands up in mock defense.

"Oh yeah because I'm every guy's dream, 37 year old widowed mother of three," I say with a scoff.

"Oh shut up they'd be lucky to have you," Hailey assures me with a smile.

"So should I give him your number?" She asks again.

"Who?" I ask, suddenly forgetting how we started this conversation in the first place.

"Ethan, the hot single dad who's into you," Kim reminds me. God I am so glad that Olinsky and Voight are in his office right now, the door firmly shut, this whole thing would be about a hundred times more awkward if they could here this right now.

"Not right now," I tell her with a solemn smile. "I'm just not in a great place right now,"

"Alright," She responds with a sigh, "Should I cut him loose or is there still hope for Ethan?"

"Put him on the back burner, I'll think it about it okay," I tell her. It's not that I'm still holding onto Jay, he's gone and I accepted that. It's more than two years, I've gotten used to not having him in my life and I think I would be open to maybe go on a date, it's just with everything with Allie and Jack right now, I can't deal with anything else.

Other than that, it's just weird. I was with Jay for eight years. Eight years is a long time. That's also over ten years since I've been with anyone else. It's weird. Something weird that I don't want to deal with, not right now anyway.

"Okay," She says before dipping her head back towards her computer screen, her fingers typing furiously as she continues to chase down those leads.

Hailey taps on the edge of my desk before giving me a glance, cocking her head towards the break room. She wants to talk. As much as I want to keep everything all bottled up inside, she's right. I have to lean on my partner. Even if it's not Jay anymore.

"Alright, so what happened with Jack?" She asks, shutting the door behind her as she knows very well that Hank is the only other person in the unit who knows what's going on. I love these people, my kids call them their aunt and uncles, they save my ass on a weekly basis, but I'm just not ready for them to know. It was hard for me to even tell Hailey.

"I told him," I tell her.

"And?" She urges.

"He's mad. He's mad like Jay used to be mad. He's not talking to me," I say.

"Well he'll get over it, he always does," She responds, her voice soft.

"I don't know Hailey, it's a mess, it's all just such a mess," I say, my voice starting to break down as I run my hands through my hair.

"Erin tell me what happened?" She asks, noticing the change in my face.

"He wants to meet her," I say, my voice unstable. "He really wants to meet her,"

"What are you going to do?" She asks me.

"I don't know," I say truthfully, "I don't know. I would always talk to Jay about something like this, we would make the choice together. But it's just me, I am on my own and I do not know what to do. I want to say no, I just want to hold him in my arms and say no, keep her close. But I can't say no, she is a part of his life and as much I want to change that, I can't. She gave birth to him whether I like it or not,"

"So say yes," She tells me simply. "Just say yes Erin, what is the worst that can happen?"

"I don't know. I don't like not knowing, especially when it comes to my kids,"

"You can't control everything Halstead. You have to let go, whatever is going to happen will happen and it's going to be okay,"

"I have to say yes don't I?" I say with a defeated sigh, finally coming to the realization that there is only one option.

"Yeah, yeah you do," She says with a soft nod. "It's going to be okay,"

"God I hope you're right,"

* * *

"Erin?" Upton asks from the passenger seat as we drive to another house, finally getting somewhere with the case.

"Yeah?" I answer, keeping my eyes on the road as I take a sharp right.

"I think you should call him," She tells me.

"Who?" I ask her as she cocks an eyebrow at me.

"Ethan, Kim's guy," She says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Seriously?" I say as I look over at her. I thought I made my position on that clear today in the bullpen.

"Yeah, it'll be a good distraction for you," She says cheerfully.

"Hailey," I say, stringing out the sounds of her name.

"Don't Hailey me, it'll be good for you." She insists. "Jay's gone and he's not coming back. I know it's weird and I know that it's going to feel like you're cheating. But you're not."

"I don't know," I say again, toying around with the idea for the first time in my head.

"Erin it's not like he's proposing marriage. It's a date, you don't even know if it's a date. Just call him and see what happens," She says with that wide and white smile.

"I'll think about it," I finally concede.

"Ooh progress!" She exclaims with a childlike excitement, bringing a smile to my face and reminding me so much of Sawyer.

"I'll talk to Jack tonight and we'll see how it goes, maybe I'll call him after," I tell her.

"Fine," She says with a smile, "Do you want me to take Sawyer and Lily today, that way you can have the house and take as long as you need,"

"I don't know, I talked to Hank this morning and I'm clocking out at three, I don't know if he'll let you go too, we are in the middle of a case,"

"It's Hank Voight, he'd jump off a cliff for you and those kids, I think we'll be fine," She says with a bit of a laugh. "Besides, I'm on the list to pick up Lily from the daycare and you know they both love me,"

"That actually sounds really great, I can put their car seats in the back of your car when we roll back into the district," I offer. It does actually sound like a really good idea, no distractions, no little children asking me to do anything. Just me and Jack.

"Well I hope it goes well for you, he is your kid and everything and relationships are important, but mostly you need to get laid. Badly Erin," She tells me with a little half smirk.

"Oh thanks Upton," I say with a scoff.

"Hey, just stating the facts,"

* * *

"Alright buddy," I say, dropping my bag on the entry wall table with a thump, "You wanted to talk, let's talk," I've been mentally preparing myself for this all day. I can't talk to him like a child. He is one, he's ten years old, but this is an adult issue so I'm going to talk to him like a grown up. Straight and to the point.

"I want to meet her," He tells me, "but you don't want me to meet her, Daddy didn't want me to meet her,"

"That's right. We always thought it was in your best interest to keep Allie at bay, live our lives with you, she's wasn't supposed to be apart of them," I say as we walk into the kitchen, him taking a seat at the island on a bar stool and I lean on the cool white granite across from him.

"But she is," He says.

"She is," I say reluctantly. "She is a part of your history and you want to know her. That is understandable and I get it,"

"You do?"

"I don't know who my dad is, my biological dad anyway. If someone told me that I could know him I would want to,"

"So can I see her?" He asks, that streak of hope in his eyes.

"Yes," I say, taking the plunge and running through every possible bad scenario in my head, but there's no going back now. I am all in. "I'll call her and set something up and then we'll see what she says okay?"

* * *

 **I know the ending was a little awkward, but I hope you enjoyed the chapter and you'll let me know what you think in the reviews. As always, if you have any additional comments or questions, my PM box is always open.**

 **Please review!**

 **xoxo,**

 **Addison :)**


	5. The New Normal

**I know that it's been a hot minute since I've updated this and even longer since I've updated other things, but I promise I have not given up on any of them and I am working to get updates up as fast as I can, but I have been working insane hours, so my time to write has been limited to say the least. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and you'll let me know what you think in the reviews.**

* * *

 **Erin**

I sit on my bed, staring down at my phone, Allie's number lit up across the top of the screen. I put the kids to sleep a couple hours ago and now I'm keeping my promise to Jack. I told him that I would contact Allie, so I'm doing it. The only thing I have is her number and I can't bring myself to actually call her, so a text is going to have to do.

I've typed it out about sixteen times, deleting it and changing maybe one or two words before repeating the process over and over again.

 _I know that it's going to seem like I'm sending mixed messages here and I am, I know that. As much as I don't want to let him, my son wants to meet you. He knows who you are now and he's curious, he has questions. The best thing that I can do is let him get answers to his questions. Let me know when we can set something up. -Erin_

I take a deep breath before taking the plunge and pressing that white arrow. As much as seeing her again, letting her back into our lives makes me want to throw up, it's not about me. It's about Jack. Oh God, I have to tell the other kids. Lily won't know what's going on, she'll just see a blonde lady, but Sawyer, he'll know what's going on, but he won't understand. He's not old enough to comprehend this. He'll be confused, taking in only what his brother tells him because I don't know how to explain this to him. How do I tell him that his brother has a different mom?

I don't know, so for now I don't. I don't do anything until I know exactly what and how I'm going to say it. Jay and I always talked about telling Lily and Sawyer, how we would do it, but it never got past the hypothetical and none of our ideas were very good. That's always where we stopped though, it was never realistic so we never went any further than that. But right now, I really wish we would have. This is the kind of thing that Jay would always take the lead, it's kind of outside my comfort zone.

But I don't get to have a parenting comfort zone anymore, because they isn't anyone else to turn to. It's just me. I'm all I have and I'm all they've got.

I almost can't move, but the time is nearing midnight and tomorrow is going to be a very long day. Nothing special is happening, but any day in the 21st is a long day and I know that dealing with Jack and the whole Allie situation is going to take a lot out of me. So I should get my rest, if I can anyway.

* * *

"Hello?" I hear, my eyes still closed as I feel the hot breath on my face. I open my eyes to see Sawyer's face right there, his nose touching mine. For half an instant, everything is normal again. It happens everyday, I'll roll over and Jay will still be laying next to me, Allie will still be a thought of the past. But as soon as that half instant is over, we crash full force back into reality.

"Whoa okay little man, let's back it up," I say as I sit up, my body sore for reasons I'm not sure.

"Sorry Mama," He says with a giggle as he sits back down on my bed.

"What's up monkey," I ask him with a smile, trying to hide my annoyance at his less than ideal wake up.

"I want to visit Daddy," He tells me, as I feel the pang in my chest. It's not an unusual question for my kids to ask, they ask to go to their dad's grave all the time, but it doesn't mean that it hurts any less. We talk about him all the time, but it doesn't hurt any less. It's been over two years, but the wounds are still fresh. I remember it like it was yesterday.

" _You're sure?" I ask my arms crossed, Will standing next to me as the Chicago Med neurosurgeon Dr. Neely stands in front of us._

" _He won't wake up," She assures me again, her words being repeated for the third or fourth time. I can feel my heart crashing to the floor, my life falling apart in front of me. He's gone. He's not coming back, he's gone. I have to figure out how to do this all myself. We have three kids, we have a baby. He can't be gone._

" _Just tell me again what happened," I say._

" _Mrs. Halstead,"_

" _Tell me what happened," I say again, more force in my voice this time as my brain tries desperately to catch up the actions around me. She looks over to Will for permission I think. Will must have nodded at her or something, because it doesn't take much longer for her to comply._

" _He came in after the accident and there was severe damage to his heart and lungs. There was extensive bleeding and we rushed him straight to the OR and did intraoperative scans. We discovered that there was a tear in the aorta. Dr. Rhodes repaired the tears, but while he was on bypass, he threw a clot that traveled to his brain. His pressure skyrocketed, but by the time they figured out what was going on, he had already stroked out and there was nothing they could do. His brain had been deprived of oxygen too long," She says slowly, all I can do is just hang on to every word._

" _I want a second opinion," I say, crossing my arms in front of me._

" _Mrs. Halstead," Dr. Neely says, trying to reason with me._

" _No, I want a second opinion, there has to be something that someone can do," I almost beg._

" _Erin," Will says, placing his hand on my shoulder. "He's not going to wake up,"_

" _You're just going to give up on him! He's your brother," I nearly yell at him._

" _I know that and I don't want to give up on him, but there is nothing else that can be done. His heart is still beating but he is gone. Erin he is not coming back," He tells me gently, though a firmness in his voice._

" _There has to be something that we can do," I insist._

" _Erin," He says again._

" _No!" I exclaim at him, "I know he's your brother and you love him. But he is my husband, we have three children. It's different,"_

" _And that's exactly why you need to listen to me, he's not coming back," He tells me. I know that he's right, but I just can't give up. Not yet._

" _He's right," Dr. Neely tells us, "but there is still something that I need to discuss with you. Though his thoracic organs are severely damaged, his abdominal organs are intact. He's young and he's healthy, that makes him a very good candidate for organ donation,"_

" _Are you kidding me!" I snap at her. "You just told me that my husband is dead, that I have to tell my children, my seven year old and my five year old that Daddy isn't coming home, that I have to raise three kids on my own and you want to talk about ripping him apart,"_

" _Get out," Will snaps, Dr. Neely's arms pulling his chart tighter into her chest as she grows uncomfortable._

" _There's a window and it's closing," She says._

" _I'm fully aware of the circumstances Bridget, get out," He growls at her._

" _Yes sir," She says, suddenly becoming small as she slinks out of the room._

" _Will," I say, finally allowing myself to break down, my walls to fall, "He's not coming back,"_

" _No, he's not," He says softly._

" _And they want me to donate his organs," I say. We hadn't ever talked about this before. It doesn't make sense, we've talked about everything else and in our profession, you'd thought that we would have talked about this. We should have talked about this._

" _Don't you think that that's what he would want?" He tells me, running his hand up and down my arm, "Seven people Erin. That's how many people he could say by donating his organs, he could improve the lives of so many more. Isn't that the kind of legacy you think that he'd want to leave? I know that it hurts and that this is the last thing that you want to talk about, but time is running out and this is what he dedicated his life to, saving people and making their lives better. He did it in Afghanistan and he did it here in Chicago, this is who he is. Erin-"_

" _Yes," I say interrupt shortly. I don't want to think about it anymore but I know what his answer would be. He would want to do it. Hell I would want to do it. I just can't think straight right now._

" _Yes?" He checks with me._

" _Yes, bring me whatever paperwork you need to bring me. I'll sign whatever I need to sign. Just do it okay?" I tell him quickly._

" _I'll tell Dr. Neely,"_

 _Okay," I tell him, realizing the finality of it all, "I'm going to go see him okay?"_

" _I'll be right back," He tells me before stepping in the direction that Dr. Neely left us. I give him a nod before taking a deep breath and wiping the lone tear from my face. I almost fall over as I walk in there, seeing the tube down his throat and the color gone from his face, his lips slacked as the tube pulls them down._

" _Hi babe," I say as I stand next to him, holding his hand. It's still warm, just another reminder that he's gone, but he's not dead. "I'm sorry, it wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be ninety years old, all wrinkled and old, holding hands in wicker rocking chairs on the back porch of the lake house in Wisconsin, reminiscing about the good old days, not me standing here crying and you in a hospital bed with our boys sitting in the waiting room, our baby sleeping in the arms of his aunt. This wasn't how is was supposed to go," I know that he's not going to respond, but I almost feel like I have to wait for him to say something as the few tears run down my face."This isn't how you were supposed to go,"_

" _Erin, I have the paperwork," Will says with a soft knock at the door._

" _I'm ready," I say as I turn towards him, wiping the tears from my eyes again._

" _I'm a doctor, so I can tell you this. But I just need you to understand what you are doing. By agreeing to organ donation, you are also consenting to the removal of all life sustaining matters and any and all attempts to resuscitate your husband. Do you consent to this?"_

" _I do," I tell him. "I consent,"_

" _Okay, I just need you to sign on the line," He says as he hands me the blue clipboard and an open pen. I swallow the lump in my throat before scrawling my name on the line at the bottom of the page. That's it. We're done._

" _So now what?" I ask._

" _Now we wait, a nurse will come in and turn off his life support, you can stay for as long as you would like," He tells me._

" _I can't watch it," I tell him._

" _Are you sure?" He asks for one more time. He needs me to be sure. But I am sure._

" _I'm sure, I said my goodbye," I assure him, "You can stay, I'm going to go see the kids, it's going to be hard for them,"_

" _You are sure?" He asks again._

" _I'm sure," I say. "He's gone, waiting around isn't going to change that," I don't want to accept it and I don't think I have, but I also don't think that watching him die, actually die is going to change any of that._

" _Alright," He says with a solemn look on his face._

" _I can't be here right now, so I'm going to go and I'm going to hold my babies,"_

" _It's going to be okay Erin," He assures me, a hand lying on my shoulder._

" _I know," I say, lying through my teeth. I trace over Jay's face one last time before walking out of the hospital room. I don't want to remember him like this. I want to remember him as the smirking guy in the passenger seat of the Sierra, the doting father doing hockey drills with Jack and Sawyer in the driveway, threatening to kick the asses of all the hypothetical boys that Lily would bring home one day, and the quick kisses in the bullpen during those fleeting moments when we found ourselves alone. That's how I want to remember him, not like this._

 _As I enter back into the waiting room, I catch Hank's eye and simply shake my head. He'll know what it means. I see a tear slip from Natalie's eye as she catches my signal, a teeny little Lily asleep in her arms and Sawyer laying with his head in her lap, resting just below his sister. But Jack's awake._

" _Mommy!" He exclaims as he sees me,_

" _Can we go see Daddy?" Jack asks, looking up at me with those big blue eyes._

" _No," I tell them."No buddy you can't go see him,"_

" _Why?" He asks, his brow furrowed, "We got to see him last time," I don't want to say that this normal for my kids, having an injured parent shouldn't be normal for anyone. But in our line of work, they've seen us hurt before. It hasn't happened in a couple of years and Sawyer isn't even old enough to remember, but Jack does. I know he does. It wasn't even major, a bad bruise and a couple of broken ribs after a shot was caught in the chest. It's different this time._

" _Monkey it's not like last time," I try to explain to him._

" _What do you mean it's not like last time?" He asks me,_

" _Daddy got hurt really bad this time," I explain to him, the lump in my throat growing bigger and bigger._

" _Yeah but the doctors fixed him," He says as he looks up at me, "Uncle Will's friends fixed him,"_

" _Not this time," I tell him, a lone tear rolling down my face as I stare into my baby boy's big blue eyes._

" _What?" He asks, those eyes glassing over with tears as Sawyer begins to stir, Lily still innocently sleeping away in her only aunt's arms, my heart breaking in my chest again._

" _He's dead Jet, Daddy died,"_

I'll never forget the look on Jack's face. It was a look that I never wanted to see on my child's face, a look that I recognized from Justin's face the day that Camille died. I didn't ever want to see it again. But I did see it, I saw it twice, when I told Jack and then when I told his brother the next morning. I didn't ever have to see that look on Lily's face, but I saw a different one, though just as terrible, every time that one of her friends asked mentioned their dads or when they had donuts for Father's Day at her daycare and I was the only mom in the room. She's not even three yet, but she gets it. She understands that he isn't here.

"Yeah Monkey, we're going to go visit Daddy," I tell him, "We'll go tonight okay?"

"Thanks Mama,"

"Anytime buddy, go get dressed," I tell her with a smile as he bounces off my bed, "I just need to take care of a few things and I'll meet you downstairs, can you wake up your brother for me?"

"Can I jump on his bed?"

"Uh," I say, thinking about everything I've been throwing him through recently, "Not today Sawy, be nice okay?"

"Fine Mommy," He whines as he runs out of my bedroom. I smile as I watch after him, just for a second before I remember the stuff that I have to take care of. I groan as I roll over to my nightstand to grab my phone, hoping that there will be a text waiting from Allie, but also dreading the contents. I take another deep breath before pressing the power button on the side of my phone.

There it is, message from Allison Corson. I don't let myself think anymore before unlocking my phone and pulling it up.

 _Didn't think I'd be hearing from you again. I moved back to town, so whenever you can do something is fine. I'd love to meet Jackson and your other two kids._

I feel the anger rising in my chest again. No, I can't do that. I can't be mad, I was the one who agreed to this, I brought this to the table. I can't be mad. So I suck it up and text her back.

 _I haven't exactly told my youngest two about our situation, so it's just going to be me and Jack. He's got a hockey game on Friday, but we can meet you for lunch on Saturday. There's a place near the zoo called Summer House, 12 o'clock, don't be late._

I hold my breath as I send the message. I can't keep doing this. I have to accept it and I have to tell myself that this is the new normal. This is my new normal, so I better just used to it.

* * *

 **Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter! If you did, please let me know in the reviews or drop me a PM!**

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **xoxo,**

 **Addison**


	6. There's a Difference

**It's been a hot minute since I updated this story, but I hope you guys have all stuck with it and you guys enjoy this chapter! And thanks to everyone who reviewed on the last chapter!**

 **As always, there are probably so many grammar errors that I missed, but just ignore those and enjoy chapter six!**

 **Happy reading!**

* * *

 **Erin**

"What was he like?" Lily asks as we walk through the graveyard, her tiny hand held in mine as Sawyer walks loosely on my other side, a crisp fall breeze blowing through the leaves. I asked Jack if he wanted to come with us today, but he told me that he didn't want to miss hockey practice, but I know that really it's just that he doesn't want to be with me. He never misses an opportunity to see Jay. I hate that I'm the reason why he did.

"Your dad was the most amazing person," I tell her with an honest smile, "He was kind and understanding, tough when he needed to be. He loved you so much baby girl and you adored him. He was always the only one who could make you stop crying. You never wanted me, you always just wanted your daddy," I love telling Lily the stories about Jay, but I hate that that's all she'll ever have, that she'll never get to look into his eyes and know that he would always keep her safe, be held in his strong arms, listen to that laugh that I loved so much. She'll never have any of that.

"And he made the best waffles, way better than Mama's," Sawyer tells her with a smile.

"Hey," I say, looking down at him with mock hurt, "my waffles are pretty good,"

"Yeah, but Daddy's were way better," He assures me with a smile.

"Yeah," I say with a sad smile, "His were better,"

"Why isn't Jack coming with us?" Sawyer asks as we get closer and closer to his headstone.

"He didn't want to miss hockey," I tell him, "He'll come next time,"

"Okay," He says, brushing it off like it's nothing as he forges forward towards the headstone.

"I want to know him," Lily says, looking up at me with those big blue eyes that are unmistakably his.

"I know baby," I tell her, a lump rising in my throat, "I wish you would have,"

* * *

"You ready buddy?" I ask Jack as I zip up my boots. He just nods, not even making eye contact with me. He's still mad. He has that right, we did lie to him about a major part of his life for his entire life, but we always just thought we were doing what was best for him. What _I_ thought was best for him.

But now he's barely talking to me. We coexist. It's a lot like how Jay and I would be when we had a fight, no one would talk and there wouldn't be any screaming, it'd just be quiet. I hate the quiet. It's so much worse than the screaming, at least then you know what they're feeling.

"I'm going to go say goodbye to your brother and sister, go get in the car. I'll be right there," Once again, no response, he just gets up and walks out the front door. I sigh as I watch him leave my frame of vision, but I quickly slap a smile back on my face as I walk back into the family room. Lily and Sawyer still don't know that anything is wrong.

"Come say bye to Mommy," I tell as I kneel down to their height, both of them running over to me and throwing their little arms around my neck. God I wish they could stay little forever.

"Why does JT get to go out and we have to stay home?" Sawyer asks me for probably the hundredth time.

"Baby we've been over this, this is Jack's special time. I'll take you out next week okay?" I promise him as I ruffle his curly brown hair.

"And then me?"

"An then you," I promise Lily as I press a kiss to her forehead. "Be good for Aunt Hailey," I tell them, Upton standing just behind me.

"We will!" They exclaim at me in unison.

"Good," I tell them with a smile before reverting to my usual height. "And you're good here?"

"Yeah. I've done this like a million times if you don't remember," She tells me with that kind smile. She's been here for me, especially since Jay died, she's been here.

"I know," I say, my voice inching closer and closer to the edge of breaking.

"Are you sure that you don't want to clue Hank into all of this?" She asks. Oh and there's that. I still haven't told Hank about any of this. He knows about Allie showing back up, but as far as he knows, there hasn't been any communication. "He's your dad,"

"I know. But I'm a grown up. I have to handle some things by myself," I tell her. I've thought about talking to Hank about it, maybe a million times, but I always talk myself out of it. He could handle it in a couple of seconds, make it all go away, but I need to handle this on my is my own problem and I can take care of it on my own.

"Just be careful alright," She makes me assure her.

"I will," I promise her before grabbing my purse of the couch. "Call me if there's an emergency."

"There won't be, don't worry about us." She tells me as I grab my keys.

"I'll try not to," I tell her.

"Bye!" She calls after me.

"I love you guys!" I call from behind me as I open up the front door.

"Love you Mommy!" I hear from Sawyer as the door shuts behind me.

It's just a normal lunch. I have to keep telling myself that. There is nothing extraordinary about this day. But of course that isn't true, simply there is nothing ordinary about this day. This day could change the course of the rest of both of our lives, all four of our lives. Today isn't just a day and this lunch isn't just a lunch. It's so much more than that.

* * *

"Mama?" Jack says as he looks up at me, the car pulling into the parking lot of the restaurant. I know that something is wrong, Jack hasn't called me Mama in years. When he turned seven, he told me that he wasn't a baby anymore and that only babies said Mama. But what he didn't know, is that he's always going to be my baby. He can't run away from that, no matter how hard he tries.

"Yeah baby?" I say, looking back at him in the rear view mirror.

"I'm scared," He tells me, those blue eyes big and his voice small.

"I know," I say.

"And I'm still mad at you." He assures me, trying to make his voice big again

"I know," I say again, my voice softer this time.

"But I still love you," He tells me.

"I love you too Jack," I tell him with a big smile. He's growing up and everyday he reminds me more and more of his father. "C'mon, let's go meet Allison," He doesn't say anything before slipping out of the backseat of the SUV, running ahead of me to the front doors.

"How can I help you?" The hostess asks at the front of the restaurant, a kind smile on her face as Jack stands in front of me.

"I have a reservation for Halstead," I tell her, "The person we're meeting might have gotten here already,"

"Yep!" She says with a much too perky smile, "She's waiting for you in the back,"

"Great thanks," I tell her, trying to make my smile just as big as she leads us back to the table, two menus in hand. I can feel my heart start to race as we get closer and closer, her head of blonde curls coming into view.

"Is that her?" Jack asks quietly as we get closer.

"Yeah, that's her," I say, a lump rising in my throat as I hold back tears. I don't know where they are coming from, a place of anger? A place of sadness? I don't know.

"Here we are," The hostess says, setting the two menus on the table, none of us paying attention as Allie and Jack lock eyes, me standing there like an awkward third wheel. I knew it wasn't going to feel normal and that it was going to be weird, but I didn't think it would feel like this.

"Thank you," I tell her as she quickly shuffles away, probably confused by the silence.

"Wow, you really weren't lying," She says almost breathlessly.

"What?" Jack responds, looking up at me for answers.

"You look just like your dad did when he was your age," She says with a solemn smile, a shred of sadness hidden behind that grin.

"You knew my dad when he was a kid?" He asks, more intrigue suddenly added to this woman.

"Oh yeah," She says with a smile, "We met in kindergarten, first day," Her words lead to an awkward silence between the three of us, Jack desperate to dig for more answers and Allie not sure what to say, me just sitting on the sidelines watching, feeling desperate and helpless.

"So you're my mom," Jack says, kind of blurting it out. I freeze. I'm his mom. I don't know how to respond to that. And I don't know how Allie is going to respond to that. I almost don't want to.

"No," She says quickly, lessening my fear, no sign of a smile on her face, "I gave birth to you. I'm your mother. But I'm not your mom. She's your mom, there is a difference between the two," She says as looks over at me as I give her a grateful smile. "She earned that, I didn't. She's always going to be your mom, even if I'm here,"

"But you're here." He says.

"I am," She responds carefully.

"Why?" He asks. My kid has never been one to beat around the bush. Another thing he got from his dad.

"Because I want to know you. Because life can change in an instant and I can't go the rest of my life not knowing you,"

"But why now?" He asks her again, obviously not satisfied with her answer.

"I don't know," She tells him honestly.

"Okay," He says, seemingly satisfied with that answer.

"Okay," She says, mirroring his words and quickly glancing over at me and I give her a small nod. "I heard you play hockey,"

"Yeah, my dad taught me when I was little,"

"Well I'm sure you're awesome, because your dad was quite the player," She tells him with a smile. "He used to scare me half to death in those games,"

"I know the feeling," I interject softly, "I swore to Jay that I was never going to let the boys play hockey, that it was too dangerous. But my boys grew up watching the Blackhawks and there was no stopping this boy once his dad got him on the ice,"

"Thanks Mom," He says, looking over at me with a smile. I feel my heart soar in my chest. He hasn't smiled at me since he found out about Allie. "Maybe Lily will strap on the skates soon,"

"Oh no buddy," I assure him playfully, "I've already got one kid in the game, that's enough anxiety for me,"

"Mom she's a Halstead, if she decides she wants to play hockey. There is no stopping her," Oh don't I know it. These kids are going to give me a heart attack before I'm 40.

"Do you think I could maybe come to one of your games sometime?"

"Yeah," He says, carefully and seeming unsure of his answer. "Maybe,"

"I'd really like that," She tells him with a smile.

"I think I would too," He says with a smile. In this instant, as that smile spreads across his face, I know that I made the right choice. Maybe I screwed up keeping it from him this long, but I can't wallow in the past, all I can do is move forward and try to be better. This was the first step.

* * *

"It was very nice to meet you Jack," Allie says as we stand in the parking lot outside the restaurant.

"You too," Jack says with a smile as he stands there awkwardly. I don't think he knows whether to hug her or high five her or shake her hand, he's stuck.

"Jack why don't you go get in the car, I'll be right there," I offer as I point the keys towards the key, the lights flashing on and the car beeping as I unlock the doors. He nods before dashing off towards the SUV, leaving me and Allie there alone.

"Thank you," She says out of the blue.

"What?" I ask her confused.

"Thank you," She says again. "For taking him in and raising him when I couldn't. You did an amazing job and there's a pretty great kid here today, that's all due to you. So thank you,"

"It was my pleasure,"

* * *

"Mommy?" Sawyer asks as he sits at the kitchen table, a piece of paper and an assortment of crayons in front of him and the news providing background noise as he creates the squiggles and lines. We got back from the lunch maybe an hour ago and Jack-Erin relations have not gotten much better, aside from the little good moment we had during lunch, he quickly remembered that he was still mad at me. We chatted briefly on the way home, but he ran up to his room as soon as we got home and I haven't seen him since then. I tried to talk to him through the door after I put Lily down for her nap, but I had no success. But those four little sentences at lunch today and that one smile, that was progress. We are making progress and that's good. Even if it was only four sentences and a smile.

"Yeah babe?" I respond as I fill a glass with water, raising it to my lips.

"Why is Daddy on the TV?" He asks confused.

"What?" I say as I turn towards the screen,my eyes met with a picture of Jay in his full dress blues. I feel my heart stop in my chest as I read the headline, the words coming out of the reporter's mouth not sounding real and the face next to Jay's sickeningly familiar. If I never saw that face again, it'd be too soon.

"Over two years ago, after a nationwide manhunt, notorious serial killer John Arden was apprehended by the Chicago Police Department just north of the city in the village of Skokie. The chase lead to the death of Intelligence Detective Jay Halstead. But very early this morning, it was reported that Arden had escaped maximum security at the Stateville Correctional Center in Crest Hill. He is to be considered armed and dangerous,"

"Sawyer go upstairs," I say erratically, running to grab the remote as I flick off the TV. I don't want him seeing that.

"Why?" He asks.

"I need to call Grandpa Hank, go play with your brother please," I tell him as I grab my phone, quickly starting to dial his number, my heart rate shooting up.

"But I'm drawing here!" He complains. "I like this table the best!"

"Sawyer Henry Halstead I am not playing around here, go upstairs," I snap at him as the phone rings.

"No!" He cries back at me, his face getting red.

"Sawyer I'm going to count to three, 1,2-" I start, using the tone he knows all too well. He really can't be here for this.

"Fine, fine I'm going," He finally gives in, storming up the stairs. I bite my nails and pace around the kitchen as I wait for Hank to answer the phone.

"Hey kid," He answers, his tone telling me that he already knows exactly what's going on.

"You see the news?" I ask, nervously trying to confirming my suspicions.

"I did, everyone's coming in." He tells me.

"Hank," I say, desperation in my voice. I don't even have to finish the sentence. He knows exactly what I'm going to say.

"I know," He responds, "We're going to catch this guy,"

* * *

 **So a little bit of a cliffhanger for you guys, but I hope you liked chapter six and if you did, please let me know in the reviews! Thanks for reading and please review!**

 **xoxo,**

 **Addie**


	7. Brave for Both of Us

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed on the last chapter! Hope you guys enjoy chapter 7!**

* * *

"Go on up Erin," Trudy tells me as I walk in through the front doors of the 21st, my heart beating out of my chest. "I got 'em."

"Thank you," I tell her thankfully as I transfer the handle of Lily's stroller to her, Sawyer quickly letting go of my hand as he runs over to one of his favorite people.

"C'mon guys," She says with a kind smile as she leads them to behind her desk, where she now keeps an arsenal of entertainment for both my kids and Kim and Adam's.

"Mom what's going on?" Jack asks, grabbing a hold of my wrist as I attempt to run up to the bullpen.

"It's just a case," I tell him, lying through my teeth. I don't know what I'm feeling, it's just a swirl of everything and nothing, all coming at me at the exact same time.

"It's not just a case, you wouldn't have dropped everything and brought us in with you for just a case, what's going on?" He demands,

"Jack," I say, my tone sparing as I attempt to stall. He deserves to know, I've kept so much from him. But I can't bear to let him know, I don't want him to worry about anything more than everything he already has to worry about.

"Mom don't lie to me, I can handle it," He assures me.

"Baby I'm not sure you can," I say softly.

"Mom!" He says again, more forcefully this time.

"You need to trust me here," I tell him.

"Well how am I supposed to do that?" He says with a scoff, that one sentence feeling like a stab to my heart.

"I am your mom, I know what's best for you. I will be back as soon as I can and I'll let you know what is going on,"

"You promise?" He asks, his voice sounding almost threatening.

"Yes Jet, I promise," I assure him.

"I'm holding you to that," He tells me.

"I would expect nothing less," I respond as I buzz in, pushing open the metal grate door and shedding my mother persona, we need to get down to business. "Okay so what do we know?" I ask as I set my first foot in the bullpen, the entire team already gathered around whiteboards, all staring straight at me.

"Not much," Hank says, breaking the silence, "he escaped alone, though I'm sure he had an accomplice outside, but he was the only prisoner reported missing. He killed a guard with a hit to the head and shot a driver outside the prison and took the car, dumped the body on the side of the road. We haven't been able to track down the car yet,"

"So he's on a spree and we have no idea where he is," I say with a sigh. This is just about the worst case scenario.

"We don't know if it's a spree," Adam quickly interjects, "It could just be he did what he needed to do to get out,"

"No," I assure him as I lean over onto my desk, "I know Arden, this is a spree. The body count is going to go up and it's going to go up fast," My words are met with silence as the team gives each other a look, Al finally giving a nod to Hank.

"Erin maybe you should sit this one out," He suggests softly, or as soft as Hank Voight can get.

"Excuse me?" I say looking back at him, my stare as hard as his usually is.

"This is personal for all of us, but especially you," Al adds in.

"This man killed my husband, left my three kids without a father," I tell him, almost wanting to scoff. Of course this is personal.

"I know," Hank says back.

"So no, I will not be sitting this one out," I say forcefully.

"Erin," Hank says again.

"Would you have sat it out," I ask him, "I mean if the roles were reversed. If this were Camille, would you have sat it out?" I know that it was kind of a low blow, but he doesn't say anything, his gaze just drifting to the floor. "There's your answer, now let's get to work," The entire unit just looks at me and nods before shifting off to their desks and picking up the phones, calling down every lead and making sure that we leave no stone unturned.

Just as I'm about to pick up the phone to place the APB, it rings. Nearly on instinct I pick it up.

"Detective Halstead," I say as I wait for the voice on the other end of the call.

"Last time I heard from you it was Lindsay," I hear from the chilling voice, his words shaking me down to my bones. It's John Arden.

"Track this call," I mouth as Adam as I rap on the table, getting his attention, the entire team gathering around me.

"Good to hear from you," I say, ignoring all of my feelings and knowing that all I need to keep him on the line long enough for Adam to get his location.

"Don't bother tracking the call," He says, "It's a burner and I'm tossing it as soon as I hang up,"

"What do you want?" I ask him, still stuffing down all of my emotions, using a hand motion to tell Adam to work faster. Even if the phone stops moving along with him, it's still better than nothing.

"You've got kids, don't you detective?" He says.

"What do you want?" I say again, my heart starting to beat out of my chest. That was my number one fear when we brought Jack into our lives, I didn't want to ever use him against us. As the kids got older, things got easier, but that fear never left my head.

"I don't want anything. I just came to issue a warning to your family. They are the target now. Goodbye."

"Wait-," I say, desperate for more information, my attempt met only with dial tone. What does that mean?

"What did he want?' Atwater asks as he leans against his desk, the entire unit with their eyes trained on me.

"I don't know," I say with pained sigh, "But I need to get my kids the hell out of here,"

* * *

"What do you want to do?" Hank asks as I sit in his office across his desk.

"I want to bring this guy in," I tell him, my blood boiling with a an unknown mix of anger and fear. "I want to make sure that this son of a bitch doesn't hurt anyone else and I'm going to make damn sure that he doesn't get anywhere near my kids,"

"Erin that threat was to you too," He says, "I want to get you as far away from this thing as possible,"

"You know I can't do that Hank," I tell. "This is the guy who killed my husband. I need my kids safe, but I also need to be the one who slaps the bracelets on this guy and throws his ass in a place where he will never see daylight again. That's what I need,"

"You didn't answer my question,"

"I don't know. I need to send them away,"

"For how long it's the middle of the school year?" He asks. "You can't just uproot your kids like this,"

"I'm the mom. I can do whatever I want especially if their lives are at stake," I tell him with a force in my voice, my eyes blazing.

"Okay so where are they going?"

"I don't know," I say honestly, "Wisconsin maybe?"

"I don't think that's far enough," He tells me, "You need to get them far away,"

"I could send them to New York with Olivia, but I don't like the idea of having them there either. I need them to disappear,"

"We'll figure something out okay?" He assures me, placing a hand on my shoulder as I feel the tears start to run down my face. "This isn't going to be like last time,"

"But what if it is?" I ask as I look up at him.

"It won't be. He isn't going to get to hurt anymore people," He tells me. "We're going to nail him to the wall and he's never going to see the light of day again," I nod at him as I feel my cell phone buzz in my back pocket. Wiping the tears from my face as I take a deep breath and pull myself together before answering the call from Allie.

"It's Allie," I tell him before I swipe across the screen.

"Allie? I thought you hadn't talked to her in years," He says confused. "Did you reach out to her?"

"It's a really long story and it's not one that I have time to explain right now," I tell him as I answer the call.

"I saw the news. How are you doing?" She asks nervously.

"Not great," I say, "But we're on the case and we're going to get this guy before he hurts anyone else,"

"Do you need anything? I know we aren't close and things are tense right now, but I can help with the kids if you need it," She offers sincerely. I take a deep breath. Allie and I aren't on the best of terms, but I need someone in my corner, someone who isn't trying to chase down the same serial killer that I am.

"Allie I have to tell you something," I say nervously as Hank looks over at me with wide eyes.

"What is it?" She asks, the tone of her voice dropping as she recognizes the somberness of mine.

"My kids are in danger. Jack is in danger," I tell her, a lump forming in my throat.

"What do you mean?" She asks, Hank shaking his head at me as I continue to talk, ignoring him.

"You can't tell anyone about this, I mean it it Allie," I tell her, Voight now furiously crossing his hands back and forth in front of his chest.

"Okay, okay I won't say anything, I promise," She assures me, her voice becoming more rapid as I hold back longer.

"I received a threat on my kid's lives from John Arden," I say, my words met with nothing but silence on the other end of the line. "I need to get them out of Chicago and I don't know how I'm going to do it. But as much as I don't like it, Jack is a part of you and you deserved to know,"

"I have a beach house," She says abruptly.

"What?" I respond confused.

"I know your first thought was probably the cabin, but that's not far enough. I have a beach house, it's on a tiny island in Alabama. He won't find you there," She says, talking faster and faster.

"I'm not going," I tell her.

"What do you mean?" She

"Allie I have to be the one to bring him in. I have to be there, make sure that he doesn't do this to anyone else, he took my world from me,"

"So what are you doing with your kids?" She asks, seeming almost angry at me.

"I don't know yet,"

"Let me take them," She says.

"Allie I can't let you do that," I say almost breathlessly.

"Yes you can. You are desperate and I know that you don't trust me with them yet and I know that you probably hate me, but whether or not you like it, he's my blood. Sawyer and Lily, they have his blood. That makes them my family too and that means that I will go to the end of the earth to protect them. And if you are the one that keeps them here in harm's way because you don't want me with them, I don't think I'd be able to forgive you for that," She almost yells into the phone. I know she's right and for the first time, she sounds like a mom.

"I can't send you down there alone with them," I tell her, Hank now glaring at me with wide eyes.

"Fine, send someone with them. But I won't give up on this. I know that I was gone for nine years and I know I can't make up for that, but I'm here now and I will be a part of his life."

"Okay," I say, my walls falling down and realizing that it doesn't matter the beef that I have with Allie and it doesn't matter that he's going to have both of us in his life. I need to let go of my pride and realize that the most important thing right now if their safety, all three of them.

"Okay?"

"I won't send you down there alone with them, but I'm going to let you go. I'm going to call my brother-in-law Will and his wife Natalie, ask them if one of them can go down with you,"

"Really?" She asks.

"He's your blood too," I say. "If you want to keep him safe, I can't fault you for that and if I try to stop it, I'm being a pretty shitty mom," I don't want to let go of my kids, but I know that there isn't another option. I have to be here. I have to be the one to bring him in, look him in the eyes and make that he knows what he's done and exactly what it's going to mean. I know that I am the only one who can do that. I have to do that.

"Okay then,"

"I have to call Will and Nat and talk to my kids, but I'll call you soon."

* * *

"Hey guys look there's Mommy!" Platt says with a huge smile on her face as Sawyer and Lily run back over to me, their grins matching hers, the grim situation flying over their heads as I try to mask my emotions as much as I can. They don't have to know anything. They are two and seven years old. My oldest already knows that something is up, but the other two don't need to know.

"Oh my babies," I say, Lily launching herself into my arms and Sawyer wrapping his arms around my waist, Jack still hanging back. He knows that something is wrong, he always does.

"Are we going home?" Sawyer asks as Trudy wheels Lily's stroller back over to me.

"Yeah buddy, we're headed home," I tell him as I tousle his dark curls.

"Did Hank pull you from the case?" Platt asks as she hands the stroller over to me.

"No," I tell her, "I just have a few things to take care of," After calling Will and Natalie and all the circumstances were laid out, it was decided that the best course of action was to send Natalie down to Alabama with Allie, my kids, and her kids, eleven year old Owen and six year old Hannah. Will wanted to be here for the investigation, but they were both concerned for the safety of their kids as well as they do don the same last name as mine. I called Allie back and then promptly bought plane tickets to Mobile, an agreement to meet at Terminal 6 at 7:30 with all bags packed quickly made before calling their school to tell them exactly what's going on. I've still haven't told them anything, but it's not like they're going to fight me on missing school to go to the beach. Except for maybe Jack.

It was hard for me to walk away from this case, if only for a few hours. God knows what can happen in a few hours with a case like this. But my kids' safety has to be the top priority.

"So," I say nervously as we drive down our street maybe fifteen minutes later, though trying to come up with as much excitement as I can, "You guys are going to get to go on a little surprise vacation,"

"But it's October Mama," Sawyer points out. "We only go on vacation in the summer,"

"I know, but it's fun to break the rules sometimes," I tell him, flashing him a quick smile through the rearview mirror.

"Where we going?" Lily asks.

"To the beach, in Alabama," I tell them all with a grin, my white teeth covering up my complete and utter fear.

"When are we leaving?" Jack asks, still unsure about the whole thing. He's knows that something is up and I know that it's only a matter of time before he demands an answer.

"Well I'm going to take you to the airport tonight at 7," I tell them nervously, knowing that this is exactly where they are going to catch on.

"You're not coming?" Jack exclaims.

"Not this time buddy, you're going to go with Auntie Nat and Allison, doesn't that sound fun,"

"Allison is coming?" He says, not sounding upset or happy about it, just surprised. "Why?"

"She's the one who invited you, she has a beach house down there,"

"Why is Aunt Natalie coming?" He asks again, the pieces not lining up as he becomes more and more suspicious.

"She'd thought it'd be fun," I tell him, giving him a small sliver of the truth, luckily pulling up the house, serving as a quick a momentary distraction. "Alright let's go," Jack and Sawyer quickly jump out of the car, Jack running up to the open garage door and Sawyer right behind him, Lily slowly unbuckling her own car seat before I pull her from the backseat.

I quickly send all the kid upstairs to start pulling from their closets, picking out outfits and shoes before I put down Lily for a nap and plop Sawyer in front of the TV so I can finish everything up before I leave.

"So what's really going on?" Jack asks as he sits in front of his suitcase, clothes sprayed all over his room.

"You really want to know?"

"We don't do things spur of the moment, things are always planned. We don't do this," He answers me. "Just tell me what's going on Mom,"

"I don't want to scare you," I tell him, biting my lip as I try to stall telling him the truth.

"You're not going to scare me," He assures.

"It's scary though. I'm scared,"

"Then I'll be brave for both of us," He tells me, that look on his face an exact mirror of the one I saw on his father's face so many times over the years.

"Remember when Daddy died?" I ask him, almost choking on the words, "How the bad guy hurt him and then he died?"

"Yeah, you put him in jail," He tells me.

"Sometimes people can get out jail,"

"Is that what happened?" He asks.

"It is," I tell him.

"Are you going to catch him?" He asks.

"We are going to try so hard," I promise him, " He's not going to hurt anyone ever again,"

"Why are we going to Alabama?" He inquires.

"Because I was worried that he was going to try to hurt us so I decided that I needed to get you all out of Chicago," I answer him.

"But you're staying here," He says worried.

"I have to help catch him JJ," I try to explain to him, "I have to be the one who gets him,"

"So are you going to die too?" He asks, looking up at me with fear in those big blue eyes. I can't say that it hasn't been a fear of mine, but I'm certainly not going to tell him that.

"No," I say firmly, "I know that Daddy died and this is really scary. But this isn't like that. I am going to be fine, we are all going to be fine. We're going to get him and it is all going to be okay. Okay?"

"Okay.'

* * *

"If she cries, pull out the stuffed panda, she likes him," I say as we all stand at Gate C12 inside Chicago O'Hare, all the kids ready to go, Allie, Will, and Natalie along with their two kids joining us. Sawyer and Lily still don't know what's going on, Owen and Hannah also blissfully innocent to the whole situation. My kids don't even know about our relation to Allie, they just think she's an old friend of Daddy's. And for all current purposes, it's going to stay that way.

"Erin," Natalie says as she steps in next to Allie, "We got it. It's all going to be okay. But they're going to close the doors, so we need to say goodbye,"

"Okay," I say nervously, trying to hide the tears glassing over my hazel eyes, "Hey c'mere," I tell my crew as I look down at the three of them, "I love you so much and I am going to miss you a lot, but I'm going to see you soon okay? And I want you to have so much fun at the beach with Allie and Auntie Nat."

"I love you Mama," Sawyer says as he throws his arms around my neck, "I'm going to bring you back seashells,"

"Okay," I say with a laugh, his demeanor still able to stay light.

"I'm going to find the prettiest one on the whole beach!" He assures me with a smile as bright as the world.

"I'm looking forward to it buddy," I tell him as I squeeze him in for one final hug, Lily eventually breaking in as she clings to me.

"Mama don't go," She begs.

"C'mon," I say as I try to pass her off to Natalie, "You're going to have so much fun,"

"You come too," She cries.

"I can't LilyBug," I tell her, feeling actual pain as I have to rip her away from me. "I love you,"

"I'll take them on," Natalie volunteers as she takes a screaming Lily in her arms, Hannah holding her other hand and Owen and Sawyer walking behind them as she hands their tickets to the flight attendant. I have to take a deep breath and swallow the lump in my throat as I watch my two youngest walking away from me, leaving only Allie, Jack, Will and I at the gate, Jack glued to my side and showing more affection than he has since everything came out.

"We got this Erin," Allie assures me. "It's all going to be okay,"

"Those are my babies, they are my world," I tell her.

"And nothing is going to happen to them," She says firmly, "and I'll send pictures and videos all the time, have them call you every night,"

"You promise?" I ask her, feeling like I'm handing over my soul to her.

"I promise," She tells me with kind eyes.

"Okay," I say, getting closer and closer to breaking down as I lean down to tell my sweet boy goodbye.

"Jack," I start, only to have him interrupt me.

"I know," He says as he pulls me into a tight hug. "I'll be brave for all of us,"

"I love you," I tell him as I press a kiss to the top of his head, "Be safe,"

"You too," He says, "and I love you more,"

"Not possible," I assure him as tears start to brim at the edge of my eyes.

"Ma'am, we're going to be closing the door," One of the flight attendants interrupts.

"Go," I tell him, pressing another kiss to the top of his head, "I'll be waiting for you right here when you come home,"

"You better be," He says with a smile before turning around and following Allie down the jet way. I can almost feel myself start to break down.

"They're gone," I say with a bit of a cry as Will wraps his arm around my shoulders.

"They're going to be back soon," He says as he pulls me in tighter, "But in the meantime, you really need to catch this guy,"

* * *

 **Hey everyone! So I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and I've been working on a college Linstead AU or possibly a CPD/OTH crossover and if either of those ever go up, it won't be for a while, at least until I've finished one or two of the fics I have going right now, but if you're interested, please let me know in the reviews below! Also I'm starting school in a couple of days so my updates are probably going to be even more sporadic (sorry!) than they already are, but I'm hoping that you'll stick with my storylines and that you'll stick with me. Thanks for reading!**

 **Xoxo,**

 **Addison Grace**


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